Honor No More
I've come to realize how awful it is to cling and to hold on too much. Giving up is never an option for many, but as life unfolds right before my eyes, I finally get the idea that it is the right thing to do. It has always been the right thing to do.
Growing up as a competitive student, I've always wanted to be in the Honor Roll. I strived both in the curricular and extra co-curricular activities and gained numerous awards. The feeling of being recognized was overwhelming. I felt loved and in the dark corners of my heart lies a proud and boastful heart. Whenever I was ranked as 2nd placer during competitions, I shed tears. I blamed people for not voting me in one of our student government elections. I deserve this, I deserve that and the sense of entitlement grew stronger. Aside from the academe, I am also a competitive granddaughter, I wanted to be in the spotlight all the time. I wanted them to praise me. I yearned for their presence during honors'/graduation day.
Then suddenly I got exhausted of thriving, of yearning for attention and I got too tired of myself that my thirst for awards slowly fade away.
Maybe the WANT is still there but the call to answer a NEED is louder--a heart that beats for change. A heart that seeks for humility, a heart that strives not for itself but for the One who created it. That is why I gave up. The process was painfully hard that I endured several failures and even rejections. But at the end of the day, the breaking season taught me a lot which surely made my heart satisfied. Hopefully, it pleased the One. I gave up honoring myself as to honor The One.
But hours ago, the heart spoke. It cries and shouts for unmet needs. The heart still yearns for their presence. The heart knows that graduation ceremonies can't be replayed. The heart is aware that it needs to understand. The heart asks why. The heart believes that it's already done but it's hard to accept everything. Maybe the heart has already given up, but not fully. Maybe the heart still needs to answer a call--and that is a heart that forgives.
